| 摘要: | 本研究採敘事探究方法，以自我敘說方式陳述，研究者身為牧師，然在被告知罹癌、以及手術前後頓然失落平安與內心衝擊的真實經歷。 我怎麼了？ 透過自我揭露，敘說失落、悲傷與罹癌生命經歷，以探究身為牧師其罹癌後身體、靈性與宗教信仰之間的議題。 通過靈啟經驗，憶起自己的哀傷與失落並不只是因為罹癌，更多的是心靈的痛，透過身體在反應童年被性侵的創傷。 選擇直視創傷，與創傷對話，因為不是所有的傷痛都被看見。心靈的傷，身體記得，當刻意遺忘的被騷擾、侵犯的身體經驗回憶起時，就是死蔭幽谷來到。 這是一趟黑暗卻充滿恩典與脂油的宗教療癒旅程。 藉由近年來在歐美興起的身體神學論述重新詮釋「聖潔」，深信藉由宗教信仰必能療癒靠神得醫治，身心靈復原。 從創傷到復原，走過死蔭幽谷後重生的旅程。神使我的靈魂再次甦醒。要知道黑暗時見到的星星都特別光亮，即使一宿雖有哭泣，然終必宣告於早晨便必歡呼（改編自聖經詩篇30篇5節b）。
This study is a self-narrative research. The researcher, as a pastor, sharing the real experiences of losing peace and inner shock while been told that “you got the cancer.”, and before and after the operation. Through self-disclosure, narrate the loss, grief, and life experience of having cancer, so as to explore the issues between body, spirituality , and religious belief after having cancer as a pastor. What happened to me ? Discovered through Special revelation, my grief and loss are not only just due to cancer, but also the pain in my soul is reflected through my body was sexually abused in her early years.Choose to look straight at trauma, and dialogue with Trauma, because not every kind of pain can be seen.The body keeps the score, when my harassed, violated and sexually assaulted body recalled, the shadow of death from a deliberately forgotten past came back. All in all, it can be expected to be a dark but religious healing journey that full of grace and fat. And reinterpret “Holiness” with the body theology that has emerged in Europe and the United States in recent years, and firmly believe that through religious belief that will be healed by God, and the body and mind will be restored. Recovering from Trauma, it is a journey of rebirth after walking the valley of the shadow of death. God restores my soul again. You must know that the stars you see are especially bright when it is dark. Even though you cry all night, you will finally announce that you will cheer in the morning (adapted from Psalm 30:5b). |
